I’ve tried a million times over to write on this subject. Grappling with how specific, or how deep, I wanted to go regarding the issue at hand. I’ve started a million drafts of this same post, and told myself not to worry about it, that I didn’t want my blog to be so serious, that I wanted to keep things fun and light. Yet somehow, here I am, pressed to finally publish this. I see too much hurt and pain and hate and judgement all around me to stay quiet.
I’ve never quite fit in, and for most of my life, I’ve always wanted to. I saw the popular kids just as they wanted to be seen, as cooler than me, better than me, something to aspire to be. It makes sense that I’d think this way; I grew up in a small southern town where rank and status are paramount. But even when I made it on the inside, I didn’t feel right; I didn’t feel like I belonged. I felt nervous around the people I called my friends; I constantly felt like I needed to prove my worth to them. I’ve spent the vast majority of my almost 22 years tailoring my own personality, interests, and opinions to the group of elite around me for fear that I would not be accepted as myself. I’ve spent all that time hiding who I am, and building up walls, to make sure that no one can hurt me for being truly me. Continue reading