A dull and boring title to offset the insane level of excitement within the words of this post.
Sweet baby Jesus, where do I even begin?
In typical ABC, Bachelor fashion, the higher ups at my most favorite television networked forced fans to cancel two nights worth of plans all the find out who would even be this season’s bachelorette. That was brilliant and cruel on a million levels.
First off, I hate hate hate you ABC for making me watch on the edge of my seat for two freakin’ hours Monday night all to watch nothing happen. Yes, crazy, “horned up,” drunk Ryan was hilarious, and then disgustingly inappropriate. Yes, the macabre of delightfully adorable men was as exciting as ever. But having to wait another entire day just to find out if Britt or Kaitlyn would be the bachelorette was torture. I imagine people went insane over the stress of not knowing; I mean, our minds were so elsewhere distracted with concern for the show, people probably lost their jobs, or got into car accidents, or you know, maybe not, that could be an exaggeration. Ultimately though, we all tuned in again on Tuesday night, proving your power over women, ABC; if men knew how to control us the way you do, well we’d be in trouble, fortunately that’s never gonna happen because men are much dumber than television networks.
Now here’s the sitch, at the end of night one I’d decided the following: I have flawless taste in men. My first impressions were pretty spot on; all the guys I liked based on a simple picture, I still liked after hearing words come out of their mouths, so congrats to me, and congrats to the following men for having a chance at becoming the next JJ O’Brien. Being lauded with such an esteemed award means you have endless Twitter harassment, and maybe a little stalking, to look forward to. I may stop, or I may come to the city in which you live and force you to have coffee with me muahahahaha (Disclaimer: I’m not crazy. That was like 4/5ths sarcasm). Now without further ado, I give you the guys worth remembering:
Shawn B. – part time Ryan Gosling impersonator, part time man of my dreams
Cory with no E – my roommate knows a girl who was his high school prom date, and he’s so hot
Ben H. – Lord. Have. Mercy.
Ben Z. – my God, the name Ben has never carried so much weight
Beautiful Dentist – formerly known as Chris, forever known as stunningly attractive
Maybe JJ, Joshua on the bubble simply because my roommate likes him.
So yeah, whatever, Monday night revealed nothing. I still loved Kaitlyn the most. I still hated the whole two bachelorettes thing.
Then Tuesday night happened, and my heart was filled with a thousand times more joy than I could have imagined.
But not before I actually really felt like I needed to applaud Britt for being such a baller. Going on the show under any circumstances takes incredible guts, and putting yourself in the position in which she placed herself is brave. She deserves infinite roses for her class, confidence, and perfect hair. I will miss her hair greatly; it is my life’s inspiration. I am not kidding at all; that is probably the most serious sentence in this post. Honestly, props to her. While I love ABC, The Bachelor, and it’s affiliates, I almost think this was taking it too far; I think this may have been too much pain and hurting for one person. I think at some point you’ve gotta stop thinking about ratings, and start thinking about people, and I think maybe a line was crossed there that shouldn’t have been. If I were a better person I wouldn’t watch in protest, but I’m pretty all around spineless, and like really like the show, so whatever.
With that being said, I cried actual empathetic tears of joy watching Chris Harrison tell Kaitlyn that the guys voted for her. Kaitlyn, while stunningly beautiful, represents something different from most girls who get The Bachelorette gig. She’s the funny girl, the guarded girl, the independent girl who takes care of herself. I like her; I like the way she carries herself, and I hope wholeheartedly that she finds love on what looks to be an incredibly crazy ride.
She thankfully sent home quite a few of the guys I liked the least; she kept a few guys I wouldn’t have. One guy went home who I think might have gotten literally no air time at all. Typical first night stuff. I’m thinking it’s very possible that Tony and Ashley S. could make a really good couple when Kaitlyn undoubtedly sends him packing, hopefully soon.
And then, my favorite part of all the parts came on. The glorious, oh so exciting, edited for maximum drama, previews played.
Angels from above started singing sweet choruses of hallelujah as the one and only, super controversial, in my opinion super awesome, Nick Viall made an entrance, and I was reminded of why this show is so worth watching. The drama is intoxicating. I screamed a lot with glee.
As if that weren’t enough of a dramatic teaser, it would appear as if Kaitlyn has the sex with someone before the fantasy suite dates, dum dum dum. The irony that those dramatic scenes were shown right after dramatic scenes involving Nick’s arrival is certainly not lost on me, and I have a feeling not lost on one Andi Dorfman either. I’m hopeful that dear Nick is not a player in two memorable reality tv sex scenarios, but I’m also hopeful that he is.
End of night two take away: I’m hype for the most dramatic season yet, and having the name JJ actually is now enough to make me love you. I ask for so little in a man. Can’t wait for next week, until then I’ll be trying to find all of these guys on Instagram so I can find out intimate details of their lives and other creepy things like that.
What did you guys think about the Season 11 two night premiere? Happy to see Kaitlyn stay? Sad to see Britt go? What are your thoughts on the previews and who are your favorite guys so far? Let me hear everything you’re thinking in the comments below.
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