Single ladies, listen up.

Wanna know how to get a man?

Look no further. Never mind my own perpetual singleness or overall inability to function around someone remotely attractive of the opposite sex, you should still use this exceptional, proven to work fail guide because we’re under two weeks until Valentine’s Day. Use these and you are guaranteed to be very, very happy alone this February 14th.

Soda Shop Date

My dream is to be on The Bachelor, so you really don’t have to worry about this lasting too long.

I actually only shower after I work out. If I don’t work out, I just don’t shower.

There was a dead opossum under my house last week; it was pretty eventful.

My spirit animal is Lena Dunham.

I don’t like really fit guys, so you’re nice.

Black and White Coffee Date

I wouldn’t exactly say I make a good girlfriend, but I make an exceptional part time girlfriend if that’s a thing.

I just love Taylor Swift. I want to be her.

Do you like my eyebrows, or do they look too much like a Mexican teenager?

I’m really good at stalking people on the Internet; I’d have to say it’s my hobby.

I actually hate small talk, but you’re pretty tolerable at it.

Old School Pool Date

I think I’ve actually only seen like maybe four attractive men in my whole life.(Don’t follow it with “and you’re one of them” because we both know that’s a lie.)

I’m going through a phase where I don’t do anything domestic because I’m just not into it.

If we date, I’ll probably blog about you.

I actually really love crying, like it’s my hobby.

I actually really hate cats, but I love things with cats on them.

I hate doing laundry, so I just rewear all my clothes like four times.

I’m kind of obsessed with hating things. Or being obsessed with things. I’m sort of obsessive I guess, but not in a weird way. (This is when it’s acceptable to lie because in reality, it is in a weird way.)

I don’t even care if you shoplift. (Actually Lena Dunham’s line, which I have then repeated a million times.)

I have tonsil stones, wanna see?

Another Soda Shop Date

I actually really only want a boyfriend because I hate driving myself everywhere.

I had to start going on more dates because then I get free meals and it’s a great way to save money.

I tend to be attracted to men who can be misconstrued as homosexual.

I mean it guys, these lines are foolproof. Let me hear your favorites from above, and all your own horrible pickup lines in the comments below. 

Photo Credits: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

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