a lesson in sarcasm
Seeing as I spent a few days outside of the southern part of the United States for a few days, I almost forgot what a monogram looked like. Gasp. Fortunately, the moment our plane touched down at RDU, I was greeted by an endless bevy of monogrammed apparel, accessories, and luggage as well.
After much contemplation on the subject, I have successfully compiled a list of all the most important, most logical reasons to monogram literally everything you own.
YOU SUFFER FROM MEMORY LOSS
At some point in your past, you have suffered a significant blow to the head, and as a result have some sort of issue with remembering simple things such as your name. In an attempt to alleviate the stress that comes with being unable to remember one’s own name, a team of highly qualified, incredibly sought after doctors determined that the best solution was for you to emblazon your initials upon everything in hopes that it would trigger your memory, thus reminding you of your own name.
YOU HAVE SEVERE SOCIAL ANXIETY
Meeting new people is hard for anyone. Introductions are usually awkward and uncomfortable. For you, the thought is just too much to bare. So you’ve taken matters into your own hands. Rather than function as a normal member of society, you prefer to live your life as that girl with the initials MRG. That’s enough of an introduction for you. And it allows you to spend your every waking moment where you truly belong hiding behind a monogrammed binder or beneath a hat emblazoned with your identity while avoiding eye contact with any human or dog or any animal really. Who knows when a seemingly innocent squirrel might approach you and try to introduce himself? You can’t have that, so it’s monogram city for you.
YOU ARE A POSSESSIVE DEMON
Because obviously everyone else you encountered would constantly be trying to steal your brightly colored, seashell printed bag if it didn’t obviously have your initials on it. Because everyone else would obviously want to steal your coffee mug with your best friends faces printed on it if it didn’t also have your initials obviously claiming it as yours and only yours. Isn’t it obvious? The only solution is to very obviously stake your claim on all your possessions no matter how small or insignificant they actually are with a brightly colored monogram. If you could monogram the air around you, you would because it’s your air and others need to stop breathing it.
YOU JUST CAN’T WAIT TO THROW EVERYTHING AWAY WHEN YOU GET MARRIED
You actually hate yourself and therefore constantly buy yourself clothing and accessories that you also hate. However, you spend valuable money on these things, and can’t justify just throwing them out. Why not add a monogram? You’re probably already engaged, so you won’t have to worry about using those current initials much longer, and then you can throw out all that tacky crap anyway.
IT’S JUST SO FASHIONABLE
Nothing says couture like sparkly cursive letters printed on your long sleeve tee and your raincoat and your riding boots and your forehead and each individual fingernail and the insides of your eyelids. Oh and don’t forget the back window of your car. Car’s need to be runway ready too, and monograms are so runway ready.
NOTE: I went through a very serious monogram phase at one point in my life, so I’m justified in making fun of the craze. Please don’t be offended if you’re a monogram lover, and please do not let my opinion ruin your fun. Everyone is entitled to their own style and opinions.
Let me hear what you’re thinking in the comments below, but please be kind. I understand I may be walking into a fire by making fun of something so beloved by many, but if you have your own silly, made up reasons for monogramming everything, let me know.